In the News: What REALLY happened

courtesy the Huffington Post

This is the first in a series of weekly news recaps.  Not the news as it is reported on CNN, FOX, etc., but as it REALLY went down.  And I gotta say....this week was a doozie!  Let's begin!

First: The failed art restoration in Spain.  Ok, after you've seen the before and after images...and you've stopped laughing, you have to think, "this is sooooooo fake!".  Yeah, nope.  It's real!  Some genius asked a reandom 80 year old parishoner to "restore" a priceless church artifact, and then was surprised when it came out looking like a capuchin monkey with a broken neck! (see Marcel from Friends ).  Seriously, the picture is so horrible, I can't even look at it anymore.  Ok, one more...*giggle* time!

What the mainstream media thinks happened: Unsupervised church worker misinterprets instructions and destroys priceless art.

What REALLY happened: 80 year old woman is going straight to hell. Seriously, they have burned people at the stake in Spain for less...

Second: Lance Armstrong has given up the fight agains doping charges.  As a result, he'll be stripped of all of his Tour de France titles and banned for life.

Um, yeah.  Everyone in the top tier of cycling dopes.  Even the men who came in second the years that he won have all been involved in their own doping scandals.  Hell, if they eliminated ALL the cyclists that have been caught or accused, they'd be forced to give the trophy to me!  Seriously, I have never doped.  Ok, maybe that one time in college...

In a nutshell, Someone long suspected of cheating decided not to deny it.  He didn't admit it, but since he already got to live the glory, and he's been retired for years anyway, he's decided to go on counting his money and throw the finger at the world.  You know, pull a Manny Ramirez!

What the mainstream media thinks happened: Another American hero, fallen from grace.

What REALLY happened: Not much, really.  It's the equivalent of hearing that there's no Santa Claus, when you're 35 years old.  If you didn't already know, well...I gotta bridge for sale, in Brooklyn.


Finally: Todd Akin: opened his mouth and his stupid ass brain fell out.  Sadly, it was moldy and could not be repaired.  I can totally respect a pro-life person who says, " I believe life begins at conception, and that abortion is murder.  Period.  Although rape and incest are horrible crimes that can and do result in unwanted pregnancies, I still hold fast in my belief that abortion is wrong." But when some old fuddy duddy starts saying things like "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.", that's just indefensible.  Dude, you're ignorant, and should have drank a little Red Bull before dozing off during Health/Biology class!

What the mainstream media thinks happened: a pro-life Senate hopeful opened his mouth, said something stupid, and probably killed any chance of winning this upcoming election.

What REALLY happened: dumb people go far in America.  My prayer: that this dorkus malorkus does NOT get elected.  Praying REAL hard....

Now don't you feel enlightened?  I'll try to do another next week, if Hurricane Isaac doesn't wipe us all off the face of the earth in the next week. :-)